AT WORK
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In.”
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
- Finish all your sentences with, “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
- Don’t use any punctuation.
- Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Put mosquito netting around your cubicle and play tropical sounds all day.
- Insist your co-workers address you by your wrestling name,… Rock Bottom.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
WHILE ORDERING A PIZZA
1. Start the conversation with "My call to (Pizza Place), take one... and... ACTION!"
2. If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Tell the person taking the order, "would you please stop doing that...?"
3. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
4. Do not name your toppings; rather, spell them out.
5. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
6. Order 52 pepperoni slices arranged in a fractal pattern following from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they're getting all of this down.
7. If they repeat the order to verify it, say "OK. Your total comes to $10.99. Please pull up to the window."
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say "Yes," heave a sigh of relief.
9. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni," using a long "i" sound.
10. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When finally offered proof that they are really (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
11. Ask to see a menu.
12. Say you'll be able to pay for this "when the Hollywood people call back."
13. Demand imperiously, "Do you have ANY IDEA what is at stake with this pizza?!?"
14. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
15. Punctuate your sentences with exclamations such as "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
16. Start the conversation by reciting the date and time, and saying, "This may be my last entry."
17. Sing the order to the tunes of songs from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" album: "Chop your pizza on a mirror!"; "Master! Master! Put hot sausages on my pizza!"; or "Gimme Pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme Pizza!"
18. Give your order, then state firmly, "And that's as far as this relationship is going to get."
19. Ask for a deal available from a different pizza chain (e.g., if phoning Domino's, ask for a CheeserCheeser)
20. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. Repeat this nested loop until asked to stop, then explain that you got "stuck."
21. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
22. Learn to imitate a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
23. Attempt to teach the order-taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
24. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
25. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
26. Order with a Speak-n-Spell.
27. If order-taker suggests a side order, ask why s/he is punishing you.
28. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, (So-and-so)."
29. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your poutiest voice, "LAST guy let me do it..."
